The Truth As To Why I Never Married

In dating, I have met many women but loved only a few. One of them, the last one, I did not perceive her interest until she seduced me into a relationship with her. It was seven months later when she felt she needed to be free of me.

A Cold January Day

I have been sitting here most of the day pondering Jennifer…and myself; and in these ponderings. I thought of the time we met. I thought of her persuasion in seeking affection from me. I thought of her small slender shapely physique and how I came to want her. I thought of her cheerful blue eyes, her blond hair, and glittering personality. I thought of the joy that we shared sitting on the back porch swing holding hands. I thought of the times she consoled me when I had to drive a great distance to another city to work. I thought of the wonderful love-filled cards she made for me. I thought of the Christmas and birthday presents and how wonderful they were and how, on her limited salary, she was so generous. I thought of the love I believed we shared. I thought of how happy she was in spite of the day-to-day difficulties she had to endure. I thought of her scarce time she willingly gave to me. I thought of how bubbly and happy she was when she greeted me at the door and how she hugged me with enthusiasm. I thought of her smile... her laughter.... I thought of her... and I began to cry.

I feel cold because I cannot understand when she came that Sunday feeling tired and distant why she wanted to break it off. I feel sad because I was the one who got angry rather than try and understand her. I feel even more sad because I think I maybe did not comprehend her love for me.

But, I thought that I did understand her. I appreciate the hard job she has raising her son Mike Jr. I do understand how difficult of a job that she has with him seeing to it that he does well in school. I understand that, where his school leaves off, she must spend the time with him teaching him. This does take a lot of time. I can also fathom the demanding job that she has as a teacher teaching young minds. I grasp the time she has to spend preparing lesson plans and grading papers. I recognize the difficulties she has in dealing with her X husband. Yes, I realize how really limited her time is. I really do understand. But, I cannot understand why she does not want to marry me.

I sat here reading her two-dozen or so "I love you" cards and I can’t help but feel the love in them. I admire her caring touch within these colorfully clad hand-written greetings that still make me feel really good. I see her concern for me and I say applause, not for me, rather for her and her kindness. From this and other things, I sometimes think that she does have smatterings of saintly qualities mixed in with her humanness.

This is she, a woman that would make any man happy. She has what I think are qualities that are much sought after by any human, especially me. So, it is natural that I would want her. I love her. I guess I believe that she would be wonderful to be with…from now on. But, this is what scares her…

The recurring problem with her and I is her fear of marriage and entrapment. She has expressed this to me many times. She has described marriage as a giving up of her freedom, the necessity of taking care of others, and the disappointments of togetherness.

I realize that, since I have never married, I am probably an idealist and may not take into consideration all things. Besides, one could ask, why have I never married?

My definition of marriage or “together from now on” is different from the norm. I believe that I am who I am and that I should be allowed to keep this person that I am. And, I thought the same was true for Jennifer. Precluding infidelity and all aspects associated with it, one should be allowed to be free as they are before marriage. I, like her, would want to be free to visit friends, make things, and everything else that I currently do. Togetherness is not and end onto itself; rather it is a means to a better life.

As for Jennifer, I can definitely see where she might feel entrapped inside of a relationship. It may seem to her that my wanting her is just such a trap. I kept trying to explain that I do understand her feeling of dreadful entanglements. I tell her that I do not desire to hold her as a slave or an employee, rather as a friend.

I usually did not mention marriage; it was she who would bring it up when she felt down. Then after a lengthy discussion, I would comply with her wishes and back away for a while.

This last time, I got angry and told her to go. Several days later, I called her and found that she had been crying. I went to her and tried to smooth things over. But, I did not try to get back together with her as I've done in the past. I told her that I would let her “have her space.” But, it seemed the more I did this, the more distant she became. Now, she wants to pull away to the point of, “We’ll just be friends.”

What is the problem? Well, it feels to me that she thinks that I must want too much of her time. Though she says, “It is not you,” I still believe that it is because of something I did wrong.

So, where would one think I went wrong with her and other women in so far as being in a more permanent relationship?

Before I answer this question, I need to talk about my own family. The current rage with my sisters is independence. They are all touting this as a favorable way of life. They also state that, to have autonomy, one must live alone with no permanent male entanglements. Their justification is…look at the currently occurring relationships and their significant difficulties. With these as their only models, I can only agree with them.

Everywhere I see is Mars and Venus in surround sound and in living color. Misunderstandings flourish festering in disharmony. Then as always, later in these relationships, heartbreak is inevitable. I’m sure that if Jennifer read this, she would understand, she’s been there. Though my sisters have never met her, they agree with Jennifer and her choice to remain single. That, of course, does not help me.

So, one does not need love? Well, to hear Jennifer describe this approach; love can be had without permanent commitment. Love can be felt through platonic friends, and relatives. Love can be had through an occasional encounter. Love held at a discrete distance; then there is no heartbreak, no choices, no restrictions, no internment, no misunderstandings and no disappointments.

I guess I am confused...

Well, Jennifer’s husband Mike did choose drink over her. She said “He embarrassed me with his drinking. I then felt that I had to take care of him.”

So, maybe she did love me. Then she would allow herself to get close. Then the alarms went off. She says that marriage is not a possibility for her. It takes time, but I guess I understand. I can identify with my sisters and their arguments against marriage or a long-term commitment. I guess maybe I do need to accept this.

Yes, here I am at age 42 believing that I could beat the odds and get and stay married. I thought of how Jennifer and I could live from day to day. I held onto the notion that…I really could and would enjoy a life with someone. But, the problem is…I have no real role models of a good marriage to demonstrate this notion to her as well as my sisters. So, I guess I need to reside myself at being happy…by my self.

There is one problem with this mysticism though. I cannot seem to find anyone in the professional arena who will support it. Be it psychotherapists, healers, priests, ministers and other members of the clergy, medical doctors, insurance companies, government officials, and other people supposedly in the know, no one will agree with my desire to remove this need I have to permanently be with a significant other. Even the people at various modern trendy New Age therapy centers are not in support of me being alone. All these professionals seemed to chime in in sequence and asked me, what is my problem in finding someone?

Is Jennifer correct about her feelings towards marriage?

NO, NO, NO! Jennifer is not wanting a casual relationship. She is not even wanting equality. She wanted strength...from me!

I did try to explain equality to her and why I am…the way I am. But this must have been a turn off on some level to her, because she won’t even call me anymore.

That is where I think I went wrong in this and other endeavors as well. Yes, It sounds as if I am admitting that I am less of a "man." I admit that these same occurrences have happened to me before with other women I loved.

To put it succinctly, this past year the problem, or rather, the level of my manhood was finally and brightly realized by me. A strong glaring example can be derived from conversations I had with a 50-year-old PhD named Jackie. This attractive woman seems to typify the majority of women of my past.

Jackie is currently in love with a rather famous politician here in DC. To hear her talk about him sheds considerable light on me.

Her love filled descriptions of him are such that he, with confidence, always knows the right thing to say. He knows that right thing to do. With assurance that radiates from every pore, he simply knows how to be a "man." He is the father that most women never had. His ability to figuratively stretch his mighty protective wing over Jackie is so warming and loving to her.

Later, after pondering what she eloquently said about him, I began to see where she and other women could feel a great measure of safety, comfort, and protection from these mighty men. I mean, what woman wouldn't? Well, I thought of a time in my history when I felt protected.

In closing my eyes and putting myself back in time when I was 13 and was placed in an orphanage by my parents, I felt the loving wing of Brother Dominic, the director of this home for boys.The first two weeks I was there, this 56-year-old man took me under his wing and bestowed upon me the love I never felt from either of my parents. In return, I felt an overwhelming sense of safety, security, and love for him. But, this would be short lived.

Like Jackie, I was devastated when, one day he turned on me with anger. Though our relationship was not sexual or anything crazy like that, his and my affiliation became a dysfunctional mess after that. As it turned out, he initially must have felt sorry for me, but later felt that he did not want to play favoritism towards one boy when so many others needed love also. A year or so later, I was returned to my parent's home.

I relayed this story to demonstrate my understanding of the phenomenon that is currently occurring with Jackie and most other women. Jackie’s lover is probably sexually attracted to her but is not in love with her. He is also aware of his charisma and his ability to sway women. Jackie finds herself being pulled and pushed by him as he comes into and out of her life. For her, it is not the sex, rather his mighty wing and his superior ability to fly in the face of danger.

The point is not to portray the evil of this man, rather to describe the phenomenon of the attraction that women have towards charismatic men.

The issue: I am far from having this kind of charisma, a seemingly necessary attribute in finding and keeping a woman.

All Joking aside, in my lifetime I have read many hundreds of books and novels on the subject of love and romance and have found this to be a sought after quality which is talked about in the media, printed materials, singles ads, and every other description of romantic thinking in our society.

So, what went wrong with me? The answer is, my mother brought me up in an inferior light saying, “No man is better than any woman.” I believed this for a very long time, in fact, I incorporated this into my personality and still I believe that I want to be an equal.

Because of this, many women like Jackie easily befriended me because they felt safe talking to me. The problem was that they did not view me as a potential mate simply because of several perceived weaknesses in my personality.I was like a girlfriend to them instead of a potential husband.

The word Husband means leader, protector, and head of household.

I have written so much about the subject of husbandry and wives that to repeat it here would be redundant.

Anyway, this perceived weakness in my character is readily apparent in my vocation and other relationships. It has been said by psychotherapists that this aspect of my personality hinders my interpersonal relationships and keeps me from succeeding in business and marriage. The expectations of most people about the norms of which people are to follow is the main stumbling block to my success. It was then suggested that I attend a kind of finishing school to learn certain masculine behavior patterns. Then failing this, I would need to consider a homosexual relationship.

To put it bluntly, the world of the Gloria Steinem Woman’s Liberationist Movement is dead and never really was as my mother felt it should have been.

This was the model of my upbringing.

Though, my two older sisters never married and have no desire to, I am not sure if this was a life methodology followed by them. I also do not know how they are around men. I do know that they treated me with condescension.

So for me, why not change? Once again, I have written volumes describing why…not. I want freedom hence equality. As a husband, I would be hampered with responsibilities towards a wife, a woman of legally stated equality.

At this point, I think that Jackie would be saying, “I too definitely want to be equal.” The same could be said about Jennifer. She too might say this.

Well, there is a problem with these women saying this. They may want it, but they never really lived it. When I was in Jennifer's life, she became agitated, sad, and distant. Contrary to her prior marriage, equality was the theme of our togetherness.

It must be understood: if one does not practice what they espier to, they cannot be that which they say they are. How can one play a piano of they never sat at one and played? Wishing to play is far from actually spending the long hours practicing to play.

Jackie like so many other women who believed in the concepts of women liberationist theory. The problem is that she, like so many other women, gave lip service to this cause but did not incorporate it into their own lives. This is probably why the ERA (Equal Rights Amendment for women) of the 70s died in congress. In the end, the charisma of the husband and the upbringing of the woman outweighed the woman’s desires for equality.

It is a simple fact that the desire to be equal must be manifested through actions over time. A person desiring to play the piano cannot actually play unless they practice to play. The want-to is not actually doing so. So, woman’s liberation did not occur because few women actually practiced its concepts. In my age group, very few women are actually truly liberated. So, with that in mind, do I need to change?

Yes, I ask myself, why not change? The answer is that I still believe in and hold near and dear to my heart this concept of equality. I still want to be with a friend rather than a wife. (The definition of Wife: the thing that Jennifer dreads being, a married woman.)

Basically put, the women I was in love with in the past soon found me to be disheartening because I was not a firm hand of support for them. I lacked the confidence to be a guiding light in their lives. An example that hits home is easily seen in Jennifer's choice of a husband.

Jennifer’s X husband Mike who, despite his limited education, was able to work his way up through the hierarchal corporate maze at Mazda Corporation to achieve a $90,000 a year position. Jennifer did tell me several times that, while they were married, he did show her so much about life of which she was so naive about. The reason that this theory of his masculinity is feasible is that his position at Mazda is regional sales director, a status that requires a significant amount of charisma and confidence. The reason that this kind of success is not plausible for me is that I lack these two main ingredients.

So, why not take a Dale Carnegie course and form them? The answer is still that I am an artist and a scientist, and I am ethically apposed to this concept of leadership in a male-female relationship.

If I changed my ideologies to mold myself to fit into the strong hidden subconscious expectations of women in my age group, I would feel lost and stressed. It would be necessary for me to keep up a obligatory appearance at being strong. Also, it would take me the rest of my life to become strongly, confidently, and assertively male. But, I would feel hollow inside as I suspect a lot of men do.

You-know, there is the down side to this thing called husbandry. Well, like Jennifer’s feeling that she has no time for herself and having to care for others, a man does eventually tire of his role also.

In a culture where women absolutely knew their place, the man could slack off a bit and the woman would never know it, or choose to ignore it. The problem with today’s mores is the infection into our culture of women’s liberationist theologies. Consciously, women want their freedom, yet because they never incorporated into their unconscious mind these ideologies of being equal with a man, they still desire on an unconscious level a “man” as defined by the romantic literature.

The rest of Somewhere In The Land of Singledom describes the differences between men and women and why they are so different, so I don’t need to say more here.

To further explain this phenomenon of women wanting something they don’t want, we must understand the role of the subconscious or unconscious mind.

This part of our mind, being 99% of our thoughts, memories & mannerisms often times seems to defy logic. It seems to have a mind of its own. This is because we are taught the authoritarian model of others of perceived authority knowing better than we do. We are taught from birth not to listen to ourselves rather to the authority figure and as a consequence, we have never developed a sensitivity to this part of our minds. After all, how often did our parents say to us to forget about it or not to think about it when we had a problem or a bad feeling?

This was my role model and how I dealt with problems in my early life. My mind knew the answer of what was wrong all along, but because I was taught and believed that my parents, the doctor, or the teacher knew better, I would ignore the true answer. I later mentally hid from the answer believing on an unconscious level, that knowing the answer would be dangerous; hence I formed what psychologists technically call a neurosis.

It was in my adult life when I began to listen to my unconscious or inner mind that I found that the answers were not evil or bad, rather that they were…rather innocuous for the current time. Of course, back when the memory was formed, they were painful, but now they don’t mean anything. So, it became easy to face change.

Anyway, the unconscious mind we have trained since we were babies, rules. What it believes becomes and is our reality regardless of how hard we intellectually desire something different.

Take for example, a smoker desiring to quit smoking, an over weight person desiring to loose weight, or a woman with a history of abuse wanting her next lover not to be abusive. All of these will have significant difficulties in changing.

I know about this unconsciousness because I was ruled by mine when I met a woman in the mid 1990s named Sara.

This extremely mixed up woman who was highly articulate, easily swayed me into a dependant relationship with her. She found that she could quickly become dominant with me by pushing all the right buttons causing me much pain. But, God’s touch was there and I soon saw her for who she was.

Sara herself was tormented by inner conflict. She constantly belittled me because I did not come up with things that she and I could do. Her neurotic conflict was that she liked being the leader, yet she desired a strong man. This struggle was manifested by her propensity of seeking out what she perceived as weak dependant personalities and then devastating them trying to make men out of them. This behavior was not limited to men, but also to women as well.

She later claimed herself as being bisexual. To this day, she is still hurting people by promising them with suave, sophistication, and kindness, but delivering pain. Sara is an ideal example of a tormented unconscious mind with an unhappy consciousness (intellect). She sees herself as needing strength in her lover, yet she intellectually revolts against this notion. Her idle and someone she talks about all of the time was Gloria Steinem, the leader of the women’s liberationist movement and who, by the way, ended up marrying a wealthy attorney.

So, getting back to a woman’s needs, I feel that women see me on some unconscious level as…appearing needy or, a whole host of other unacceptable maladies simply because I do not appear to them as a man normally would. This is why I believe that I have had so many problems in meeting a woman that would accept me and eventually marrying me.

This issue becomes all too clear when I describe three women (Pat, Ann, and Katherine) and the relationships I had with each of them.

Pat - When I lived in a northern city, I purchased a Victorian cottage in an historic district which was, at that time, a neighborhood in transition from being a really bad part of town.I spent a year restoring the first floor of this house and towards the end of this restoration effort, the neighborhood council asked me if I would put my house on tour. It was during this gala event that I met Pat. She expressed an interest in my house and said that she was restoring a house of her own in another neighborhood not far from mine. She then asked if she could talk to me about some question she had. But because I was so busy with the tour, I asked if she would leave me her phone number.

We did eventually get together, and I did help her with her project.We then formed a relationship. However, I soon found that her personality was so intense that it was so difficult being with her.Even though she came across as being really independent, self-assured, and industrious, she did desire a level of male confidence. This would become the pinnacle issue in her and my relationship. She would say in one breath that she wanted equability in her work and then practically in the next breath tell me that I needed to be stronger. Our togetherness later evolved with her belittling me and treating as if I were like her 6-year-old daughter. Needless to say, we decided to end our relationship and just be friends, which we have been for nearly 20 years.The next person she dated, she married.This fellow does demonstrate a strength inbred into him by his parents. Even though he is very quiet and lets her hyper like ferocity role off his back, he does have the final word.

Ann - This next woman was someone I read an article written about in the daily news where it had described her artwork. I was so impressed with what they said about what she had done that I wanted to meet her. It seemed though that no one I knew knew her. Some months later, I sponsored an encounter group at my house where I invited a number of people that were from my church. One of the group leaders asked a lady friend of his to come who in turn knew Ann and asked her to come also.

Imagine my surprise when, while everyone in the room introduced themselves, she introduced herself. After the group session was over, I asked Ann to come a half hour earlier the next week. Well, the following week I was able to talk with her at some length and was able to establish the start of a friendship. As time passed, she and I did form a romantic relationship. As it turned out, Ann had been married and had grown children, one of which went to college with me.

The problem with Ann and I was that I was 28 and she was 44. The other problem that would plague us was her mental struggle with men and her response to them. She was never in love with me nor saw me as a potential mate.

The man she dated after her divorce and prior to me was very much like Jennifer’s Mike Sr. This fellow was a charismatic individual who as she said, showed her what life was all about. Several years later, he stole all of her belongings and left her without a trace.

When I came along, it was when she had rebuilt her life to what it was when I met her. She had purchased a run down house and was in the process of remodeling it, and she was doing it all herself.

She did accept me into her life, but she could not feel towards me as I felt towards her. It was shortly after the end of our relationship that she fell in love with a man she met in New Mexico. This did not last long, and I think she became even more bitter towards men. She later said to me, “He made me feel things that no other man could.” This fellow was some kind of spiritual leader that was very popular out west.

She and I did remain friends until last year when she yelled at me for making a much-misunderstood comment about her carpenter.

I knew that this fellow was a very skilled cabinetmaker and when she said that he was coming over to install something he made, I responded, “He should just fit it right in there.” She must have thought that I was belittling his work when in reality I was praising his ability to make something off site that would fit perfectly in an irregular space. When the carpenter arrived, he put the item right into place and it fit like a glove. I then left her house and never talked to her again.

What is symptomatic about this is her struggles with and about what men and women roles are. Intellectually she felt very strongly about equality between the sexes. But inside, she seemed to have this dichotomy about this need for strength in a man. She immediately perceived these words I said about her carpenter as a put down. I seriously doubt that him and her had any kind of love relationship between them because he was 25 years younger and he was married. I think that her anger was at what I said and who was saying it. I am not a strong person in her eyes and therefore did not disserve to be putting him down.

These conflicts were apparent all during the time I knew her. There was an incident where she had purchased a tool and I helped put it together. A month later I saw the tool and jokingly said, “Wow, you didn’t even use it yet.” If I would have said this to my buddy Lou, he would have responded, “Yah I did, look at the saw dust on the floor,” and there would have been nothing to it. Instead, Ann got upset and felt that I was treating her in a condescending manor, that I was being chauvinistic or superior towards her. I was merely treating her as an equal by joking around, as I would have my buddy Lou.

During our friendship, I had to watch myself around her and measure my words when I talked to her. It was after 15 years of friendship that I decided to chuck the abuse. Because after the last encounter, I realized that she was not addressing the issues she had surrounding herself and men.

Katherine - The last woman in this saga is a 40-year-old woman who I met 12 years ago at a singles gathering. I noticed this tall attractive woman standing there in a kind of cowgirl outfit replete with hat, scarf, and boots. I walked over to her and she confidently looked me in the eyes as she introduced herself. Within five minutes, I found it very easy to talk with her. It seemed that we could talk about anything ranging from music, electronics, physics, to people. After that I did spent many evenings talking with her on the phone.

She did, sometime after I met her, decide to move in with her current boyfriend Ken, and they have been together since. Over the years we have spoken many times about many subjects. She, like Jennifer’s X: Mike Sr., had minimal schooling and is a success at what she does.

The pinnacle difference between Katherine and all of the other women of my past is what I am free to talk with her about. She responsed to me as any of my male friends would. It would seem strange that in the light of her sex, it is amazing what I can talk with her about. Unlike most of the women I have ever talked to, I have never caused her to be mad at me for something I said. I know she knows what I am conversing with her about. The flow of conversation is never ebbing, always flowing, like it is with my friends Lou or Don. It is as if she were a guy. She is like another one of my buddies.

So, what is different about Katherine? Well, you may have guessed it; she was once a man. Yes, she was socialized as a male. And unlike Ann, she understands men and their quests. She understands their feelings and their interests and what they are interested in. She herself has gone far because many of the prejudices women have, she does not have. Simply put, she has a kind of an unfair advantage over women. In her head lies the experiences and knowledge of a man and on the outside, she is a woman, and not a bad looking one at that. In fact, men find her gorgeous.

The point being, I believe that the problems I have with women stem from several issues. One, I have an unusual understanding of them. Two, women find it disheartening on a deep unconscious level that I do. Three, I am deliberately not strongly male, and four, I want to be equal with them.

The problem with this is described in a fundamental theory of psychology. A human who is not use to something or someone will feel ill-at-ease with that person regardless of how they feel intellectually about them.

A clear example is a long-standing tradition of prejudice towards African Americans. Even though one may not display this prejudice while in this person’s presence, the mere fact that one has this on an unconscious level will manifest it self through their words and actions. The person of African descent experienced with prejudice will immediately and inevitably sense this.

The deep routed norms of our childhood are manifested in our adulthoods unless we work at changing them. And, they cannot be instantly changed, wished away, or ignored. They are what make us feel bad, anxious, sad, and happy. They are often times manifested in symptoms that seem to come from out of nowhere. It is our culture that teaches us to ignore these feelings and go with the tide or whatever other authoritarian model type intellectualisms we live by.

I, on the other hand, have taught myself to listen to my inner being and deal with the unconscious. Even though I have done it for over 15 years now, it is a daily struggle that I am just beginning to work with. The problem with this is that I am alone because I cannot seem to find other people who are also willing to do the work to conquer the bad or misguided teachings and beliefs of our parents and any other negativities that happened in our lives. Meaning, I have a difficult time at it. It is like the lawyer who defends himself.

This comes full circle when I describe my troubles that I have had with women. It is sealed with the words of my youngest sister who says, “Marriage…never again; it was hell!” Then it is sent on it’s way when I think of all of the women I dated and was in love with, and who later did marry after dating me…back into the same situation because they were human and needed the toughing of the only kind of man they ever really knew and could feel comfortable with.

With a great deal of evil, most of us will protect these hidden programs in our subconscious or unconscious mind by either never knowing the love and companion of another or being with someone we consciously know is bad but do not have the “balls” it takes to get rid of this bogus thinking. Then in the same kind of justification they had during Hitler’s time, we will bring up our children in the same vane because this is all that we know, hence the disease and disharmony is passed on, even if we lie to ourselves and say it is not.

At a very young age, our children are like video recorders and record in their subconscious every thing that we are and that we do. This is their role model and no matter what we say or how hard we try, they will do the same. Is that what we really want for our children?

Jennifer’s son Mike Jr. will never know true love because his mother is denying herself true love. His role model is Jennifer marrying someone she did not love. Then it is furthered by her seducing a man (me) and then saying that she cannot be committed to any man simply because she believes that aloneness is freedom. Then to further the damage, she continues being unhappy around her son. Finally, to top things off, she will inevitably go and see another person she will not love and marry him. It does not take a 20-year PhD veteran in the field of child psychology to see that, like her X husband, her son will do the same with his future wife.

I never had children because, thank God, I didn't want to be like my father with them. I know I would have passed half of what my father was onto them. The other half would have come from my wife. This is Fundamental Psychology 101, a four hour course offered at the university on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday mornings at 8:00am, 9:00am, and…

I am sorry I have to be so harsh sometimes, but it seems that so much is going wrong around me and no one is willing to listen. Instead, I find people licking up movie stars and millionaires who are, in turn, making billions off of these people. I am sad that love takes, not the back seat, rather the trunk, when it comes to coolness and sophistication or sometimes “freedom”.

So, it seems that I do have a choice…coolness…or, a life of loneliness. Thus far, this is the way it has been.

Well, I may be choosing loneliness. I cannot be cool, I cannot be a huge winged bird who flies out over danger to protect his maiden from the evil hoards. It seems that I cannot be a suave talker who does not miss a beat. It seems that I cannot “make her feel like no other man has.” I cannot be a constant provider of all to that woman. I am not gallant, because I absolutely do not believe in gallantry…

That is why I feel I never could marry.

As for Jennifer and I, it to me felt as if she was stressed out because she had so many things on her plate. I felt that she would feel better if someone could help by taking some of them off, giving her more time for herself, hence more time for others including her son. But, because I was not stronger than her and, over her objections, just go ahead and take them off, she felt apprehension when I did offer to lessen her load. I have felt this resistance with women many times in the past. They probably felt that I could not do it and if I tried, I would mess things up for them. I know this may sound ridiculous, but through out history, it was a man’s job to carry the burden. I believe that she did and does turn to her X Mike Sr. for help with her son and other things as well.

But, if I were in Jennifer’s shoes, I would not allow my son to go near his father for the mere fact that “Dad” is a good time fellow and is an alcoholic. But, this is I; one who comes from the prospective of attending many Adult Children of Alcoholics meetings and hearing the different adult children talk about their deleterious experiences with one or both parents being alcoholics.

The point of this is that I come from a different viewpoint on life than the norm. I deliberately am not strong.

This came all too clear with a Japanese woman named Miko, who I also wanted to marry prior to Jennifer.

Miko came from a part of the world where the man rules and a woman can still be beaten and even killed for perceived transgressions against the husband. This enculturation was very strong in her and she totally submitted herself to me. This I did not recognized because she appeared to be friends with me. But, the symptoms of something not being right were manifested through her anger towards me. She was waiting for me to be a husband towards her. But, since I felt that this was not my role, she…well, she was very much in love with me because I was the first guy who was so tender with her and allowed her to express this tenderness in return. So, she lived with a lack of husbandry trying to be equal.

This did not sustain it self because when something went wrong in her life, she felt that she had to handle the whole thing; she viewed me as weak. Then she became stressed and angry with me, not knowing how to tell me what she wanted. In the long run, even though I told her I loved her, she felt as if I wasn't in love with her because my actions were not what she thought a man was supposed to do to demonstrate his love.

It was after our breakup when she found a very confident man who was some kind of trade show promoter. She willing and quickly married him and, with glee, sold her house for 20% below market value and also sold her much beloved oak furniture for a fraction of what it was worth. For you see, he offered her a new life in New Mexico. As for me, Miko was unwilling to part with her home or her new furniture that her late husband bought for her.

As for Jennifer, well, She too was suffering from the same symptoms. Although she did get angry, her difficulties were manifested through her bouts with sadness, depression, uncertainty, and her periodic complaining about my need for her. Being taught kindness, neither person could say exactly what was on their minds because of their fear of devastating me. It just got so bad that I or they had to end it.

I am sure that in all of this, there are people who have asked themselves, what is truly wrong. Well, I am not an evil, ugly, difficult, angry, belligerent, picky, arrogant, self-centered, dislikable, unpleasant, neat-freak or slob that most are turned off by. Contrarily, it is often the woman who approaches me and tends to strike up a conversation. It is when they find out that I am not within their spectrum that they reject me, some later than others, or I leave then to get away from the complaining.

So, what conclusion can one draw from these women? Well, just...hit the Back button and keep reading Somewhere In The Land Of Singledom. Then one can get a better idea of what they might have felt on an unconscious level.

E 2002