She Who Must Be Listened To

Our dating relationship and friendship came to an abrupt but much needed end when the woman I was dating broached the issue of the possibility of a limited time relationship. She then asked me about my feelings towards her. After receiving a vague cool response from me, she proceeded to relate to me what she perceived as our insurmountable differences. She was, for the most part, astutely correct.

The decline began when she became comfortable enough to reveal her true nature, a person of assumed soon to be elderly “auntie” like insecurity. This was apparent by her tendency to chatter on about little incidentals or flash by a seemingly addictive collage of superficial topics of conversation with hyper-like enthusiasm. From this came her aggravation with me for not intently listening and remembering everything - which ultimately led to her criticisms of me.

Forgetting that conversation is an interactive activity, she was unaware that, in my quietness, I did not pay full attention to her one sided dialog until long after she started. Upon the discovery of this, she would become embarrassed and hurt by my lack of focus on the ever-changing trivial topics.

After a short period of her feeling embarrassed, confused, or lost, she would then forgive me and we would go on, only to fall into this pit again and again. As this went on, I began to loose a desire to be affectionate with her and became more distant. She would then become gently but more demanding of my intimate attention. Later, she became less gentle and more demanding.

I started to feel alienated from her and began to find reasons to not be around her. When I visited her house, I would sit in the front hallway to escape the questions about my feelings towards her. In my attempt to discuss them with her, she would find some subtle way of altering the subject so as to cause me to feel some measure of guilt.

Is this a pattern that so many married couples fall into, live in agony about, and eventually divorce from?

I had a rather strong love for this woman and I didn't want this difficulty to destroy her and me. Both directly and indirectly, I repeatedly conveyed to her my feelings about this symptomatic difficulty between her and I. But, she refused to accept this shortcoming. She would respond with rhetoric about my non-acceptance of relationships in general.

I could not remember all of the little unrelated details she required I remember. These details included the condition of her relative’s health, her niece and nephew’s activities and her involvement in the little things of their lives, plus literally hundreds of other trivial things.

I am simply an idea oriented individual. This means I look at topics or subjects of discussion in relationship to other learned experiences. I subconsciously use this hierarchical model to determine the premise or reasons for the theory or idea. This can include feelings, objects, actions, or motivations. This is a built in function of my self and comes naturally. My memory works best when I have a frame of reference to build a relationship between various subjects. Without this forum, I have nothing to relate the events or details to and I forget discussed points and become disoriented and quickly lose interest.

This woman is a Ph.D. laureate psychotherapist with three other degrees and a whole list of supposed accomplishments. But she shut her intellect off when it came to being with me. I was deliberately denied access to this side of her simply because, like her mother, her idea of being with a man is being an “unintelligent submissive female type”.

Could it be that the intellectual aspect of her life was drudgery, a job, or what she did to gain recognition and is not a positive integral passion she embraces and is truly incorporated into her being? I can only judge this simply by the many unsolicited words she would volunteer.

I can clearly imagine after several years of marriage that it would be sheer hell living with her constantly pointing out my inadequacies. I would be told that I was not flexible enough and unwilling to try new things. All the while, what I am would have little bearing on the relationship. Then to function with these inadequacies, she would patronize me.

The reason I say all of this is that we must either be two entirely different people with two entirely different prospectives, ambitions, aspirations, and desires for life, or she has a serious malady which says she must fall into the inferior separatist female roll. Because of this, her extroverted personality, and my silence, I would be living in hell and eventually I would divorce her.

Bill H October 10, 1998