-- Men, Much More Than Women --

I think there is a lot of substance to your idea about marriage and divorce. Male and female roles have certainly gone through a lot of change. George Gilder, in his book, Men and Marriage, maintains that men, much more than women, have sexual identities imposed upon them by society. A woman's sexual identity is more clearly defined by her body. Women have babies. Men have to do things. These things that men are supposed to be doing have been in constant flux since the late 1960's - be tough, be emotionally responsive, be a breadwinner, be a high achiever, take time for babies, protect women, don't compete with women, compete with women, be equal.

Overall I think the rate of marriage is going down, following Europe's lead. More people simply cohabitate. Also, the statistics on marriage and divorce are skewed. Prior to 1920 the death rate for women was higher. Many marriages ended by death. It was also easier for people to simply abandon a marriage. A person could just leave the state and never be heard from again. He (or she) might remarry some place else. Last of all, marriage used to be as much of an economic contract as an emotional one. As women have gained more economic autonomy they have been much more inclined to initiate divorce. It is my understanding that now more than half of all divorces are initiated by women.

I no longer believe any two human beings can have an "equal" relationship. The closer the relationship becomes the more significant the inequalities become. All people have their own "gravities."  The real question is whether a relationship is mutually beneficial to both parties.

I have come to believe that love really does make the world go round. When I say love I mean a state of synergy - like a fire. It is constantly changing and must be constantly sustained. When love exists, though, it's energy output exceeds that which was put into it. Thus, two or more parties enter into a relationship in which everyone benefits. If any party is diminished by the relationship it is not love. The relationship is a destructive one. Some are so deadly that they diminish everyone involved. Some are merely predatory.

So, for a graphic example, think of a binary star. The two bodies are not equal, but they find an equilibrium or center of balance. This is different than a star that merely sucks other bodies into it.

The fact is that nature tends to push women to seek men who are their superior. It is a dirty trick if we look at it from a feminist perspective. But nature doesn't give a hoot about ideology. It wants to ensure survival of the species. So a woman seeks the benefit of a strong male - stronger than she is. So now, though women want to make just as much as men, they want to have sex with a man who makes more than they do. They will settle for less, provided the man offers other benefits, as she sees it.

This habit starts early. Nature brings women in to sexual maturity before boys. So as soon as a woman emerges from girlhood and starts to be interested in men, she looks around for material. That material is NOT her age mates. No, the sexually aware boys are at least three years older than she. They are intellectually, athletically, and socially more advanced. This pattern persists throughout her life.

Some women resent the kind of dependency and patronage this can breed - but they can't help themselves. Look at the men in whom women are continually attracted - socially dominant males.

Ken - 9/5/2002