Is All Of This…Unrealistic?

Am I being unrealistic?

When I use the word unrealistic, I am saying that it may be indicated that a woman cannot successfully exist in today’s society if she chooses to be confidently, securely, quietly, freely and happily equal on an intellectual, spiritual, financial, and emotional playing fields with a man. This is because she would have had to have been a societal outcast simply because the norm would have demanded conformity.

With her freedom, this woman could have been free to be a cerebrally participative person with an enlightened imagination. But, she would have had to have done it alone. At the same time, this free woman would have had certain unfulfilled human basic needs such as human touching and an emotional connection. These unfulfilled desires might have hindered her growth and maybe hurt her suitability^[1] for marriage.

Finally, anyone who is in a subservient role cannot be fully free to be creative, simply because most creativity comes with freedom or the prospect^[2] there of.

I say a woman and a man must be equal friends, to enable each other and to balance each other in their strengths and weaknesses. This freedom would allow both persons to be creative, delve deeply into the mysteries of life and be able to develop a lasting admiration for each other. This is because they would have fulfilled their basic needs and his or her own self-esteem would not be threatened by the other’s fear, disinterest, or lack of understanding of the other. For anyone to be creative they must not be dependent on another to be the leader, rather this is a shared responsibility.

ME, MYSELF & I

To further describe how I fit into all of this stuff, well… I am not sure where to begin this chronicle of my search except to say that this idea of being married has been on my mind for a very, very long time. I am hesitant to say this, but it has been my most thought thought.

This thought or desire? Well, it has been proven by 99% of the population to be a necessary facet of the human condition, and that is, being with a "significant other," a lover, friend, wife, spouse, or whatever else one wants to use to describe this concept of intimate more permanent life long living-togetherness.

The essence of this body of words is to describe the problems I have had while trying to find a suitable woman who, like me, is equally and freely creative. The fundamental problem is finding and eventually knowing this female person of equality, though not perfect, who will allow me to be me and of course, I her. It is a relationship where we can share not only the intimate moments as well as the everyday stuff, but as true friends, we can both have the freedom, confidence, ease and desire to share in both of our creative endeavors.

Basic Needs

I feel that human happiness stems from one’s ability to satisfy their basic needs^[17]. I, as a human being, have a natural tendency to want to be with other human beings. It has been proven that humans need each other. For people to deny this and say that I don't need other humans is a dysfunctional characteristic. Humans are social beings and depend heavily on each other for most of life’s needs.

When I describe human needs, particularly the need for other human beings, I am describing this need on a day-to-day basis and not occasionally such as a date or an intimate encounter once a week.

Psychologically, it has been proven that humans, particularly me, needs someone nearby. There is a certain synergy and an understanding that when another human is close by, there is a feeling of comfort and safety. If we couple this with the satisfaction of basic human sexual and touching needs, this becomes the fulfillment of this most basic of all needs. It is called marriage.

Contrary to popular opinion, this need is not a socialized need, rather it is a basic human one. I feel that it is the misguided propaganda of the separatist who say that we do not really need humans constantly^[3]. But I say with heart felt sincerity, we as humans do need each other. I need someone in my life as a part of my life, to share, to reflect with, to hold, to touch, and to love.

Dating Annals

My initially optimistic but continually challenging "dating career" has employed many methods, taken me to many places, and exposed me to countless cultures and life styles. It is through these experiences that have enabled me to get to know literally hundreds of different women who have told me about themselves. From all of this and with great disappointment, sadness, and despair, I believe that I have ascertained what I believe is most women’s motivations or viewpoints regarding male-female relationships. Since I did not date men, I cannot go into detail about their prospective.

First Date

It all began at the not so young age of 21 during that summer when I went on my first date. This girl was a 17-year-old, 5'2", long blond haired, blue eyed, young woman who worked at the place where she and I had summer jobs. As a fledgling adult, I had no idea of what dating was all about and this concept of touching and kissing a girl was so new to me. Our date was to spend the afternoon together, so we left her house and walked through her small town holding hands. Never having touched a woman before, I was so nervous my hand would sweat.

Since this girl lived so far from me and because she was several years younger than I, her mother eventually censured our relationship. I was devastated. Even though I persisted in attempting some contact with her; it was a year later when I finally gave up on this notion of ever getting together with her. Since then, she has married, had four children and, 17 years later, was divorced from her yelling angry domineering husband.

I decided After the breakup with her to not attempt to date for marriage and to throw caution and love to the wind and just had “fun.”

Summer of...Discovery

It would be 3 years after my first date that I experienced the touch and knowing of a woman. This girl, a student at an elite northern college, was visiting a girlfriend of hers at my college when she took an interest in me. Several weeks later during the spring, she set about to show me what sex was all about. I gingerly overcame my shyness and partook of the “forbidden fruit.” It was her experience that led me and her congeniality that I found stimulating. But as time went on, I realized that I was not in love with her. We soon parted because it was her desire to go on to politics at a Washington DC university. Three years later she unexpectedly came to see me at my home and we had a "knowing" intimate encounter. She then told me that she was to marry a political figure in our nation's capital and I never saw her after that.

At this time, I was just having fun with most of the women I dated, not attempting to form any permanent commitments with them. It was in my early thirties that I did some serious soul searching and came to the heart-felt realization that I needed to be permanently close with another human being of the opposite gender.

But when I was thirty-five, I ended a really difficult relationship with, as she described herself, an adult child of an alcoholic. It was at this point that I decided to make an assertive effort to seriously try and find someone, someone that I thought was realistic. Two years later, I moved away from the small town I was living in back to the city of my birth to further enhance these possibilities. Since then, I diligently dated many women but I had no luck in locating a suitable person. Until recently, I did not know exactly what was wrong.

It was near the halfway point in my life (age 40) after the ending of another devastating relationship that I developed a serious desire to figure out exactly why I failed miserably at keeping a relationship together and positive. It is also at this point that I realized that marriages were failing at an alarming rate and wondered why.

I knew that if I had married any of the women from my past, it would have ended in divorce. It was and is still my fear of failing at marriage that has kept me from compromising my values and marrying someone who is not suitable.

It is within the last year that I figured out what the problem is. I realized that a woman of equality as I described is indeed a very rare and possibly unrealistic person.

This is why I am writing this quite poignant sorted iconoclastic account about my search for "her," an unrealistic woman.

My Loves

Here, I want to describe a little of what is that draws me to marriage by shedding some positive light on one of my relationships through a story of a moment that takes place at 7:05 am on a mid October Saturday morning.

The faint pastel gray-blue light is starting to glow behind the opaque curtains where in tranquil comfort, I look at the soft woman lying close to me. I caress with my fingers her smooth arm and her face, so relaxed without expression, makes no movement as I gently rap my hand around her feminine wrist. Her breathing remains slow and even as I kiss her on the forehead. Then suddenly she takes a deep breath, opens her eyes and notices me, and then kisses my cheek as I am wafted back into sleep…

This is but one of thousands of moments I did share with this woman.  

I am unquestionably convinced that as humans, we do need to share these many minute intimate fragments of all time, not only for survival reasons, but also for happiness and piece of mind as well. Though, I cannot speak for this woman, it was these luxurious knowing correlations that fed my soul, as good healthy food feeds my body.

Unlike the traditional nuptials I have witnessed, I sincerely believe that timely knowledge, respect, equality, admiration, and empathy for each other are some of the many elements of a true and lasting marriage.

It was in my solitary lonely singleness that I had not these thousands of times. It is while being in the many brief pre-marital courtships that has made known to me the realization of what I have been unconsciously so direly missing.

I also found that it was not the initial attraction, rather it is the time spent that caused me to love the person more. Infatuation wears off quickly.

Dismal Dismay

Unfortunately, for me anyway, like a two-edged sword, there seems to have been very negative consequences for me being in glorious relations with a woman; and that is, these comforts have not come without a significant asking price; that being, my soul.

This brings me to my second not so atypical... rather unhappy scenario.

I find my account debited when I do or not do something out of ignorance and instead of discussing it and forgiving me, my loved other becomes incensed and angry. Surcharges are applied when she grits her teeth and yells because I forgot her birthday; a day that reminds her that she is getting older and she herself whishes to forget. Increased interest rates are realized when I ask a woman bystander in the grocery about something on a shelf and my significant other's wrath quietly stews inside till we get home. Another note prematurely comes due when I say something innocent of a generalized nature and she takes it very personally and calls me insensitive or stupid. Heavy taxes are levied by ignoring her constant shallow one-sided chitchat and I am then suddenly faced with her embarrassment and indignation for my mental non-presence. Investments are devalued when I spend long hours in my studio making a sculpture and she stands there and pouts or calls what I do crazy. I close this account when she finds my writing endeavors a liability in her life and says what I do does not go with her seemingly compulsive, hectic travel, family, children, social, church, or work schedule. I shelve that set of books when she calls me shortly after our breakup and tells me of all of the "FUN" things that she is doing around the world with her new rich boyfriend. I finally throw away these journals when upon several years later, she calls me saying that her husband is not understanding, is cold, mechanical, non-intimate, and then says that she misses the intimacy we had.

This conglomeration of incidents characterizes the various highly intelligent women I dated. These people initially found the things I did in life as an attractive "romantic" quality. But, being spectators in submissive roles rather than equally passionately participative, these socially focused women did, with either boredom or pressure from their friends, eventually came to think of me as some sort of heartless, non-caring, evil geek. This non-commonality of me doing vs. them watching and wishing for me to live their way of life^[4], was interpreted by them as disinterest on my part and led to other more serious problems in our relationship.

Yin Yang

In my pre-dating years, I was privy to over hear various ruthless degrading conversations between men about their women. I heard of abuse, beatings, and utter meanness. It was from this that I developed a general impression that men had a very negative stature when it came to dealing with women and I felt that a lot of men were evil.

From this, I garnered feelings of sympathy for women. I wondered why it had to be this way and befriended a number of these women. I spent hours talking to them hoping that they would leave their abuser and start dating me. But they must have seen me as a sympathetic brother and not as a man because they either did not leave their man or they found someone else.

It was when I started to date that I was made to feel inferior by women for not being what they thought I ought to be. It was within the last several years that I began to understand that this issue of hatred between the sexes is not just one sided, that it took both to create this problem. How I fit into all of this and how I dealt with this problem was to stop dating a woman before the situation would start to become abusive.

The Gang

This brings me to my third fairly universal scenario:

It is after one of many one-sided verbal assailments from my lady that I did venture forth to ask of the olden ones somberly gangly gathered in a cube,

"Why does these thousands of glorious moments with a woman come with such a high price for me?"

With a dozen tired cynical eyes focused on me, the answer from one given to me with a chuckle is,

"It is not only you my friend."

The gravel voice of he of them goes on to say,

"She desires the devouring of your being as the lion would your body. It is while in this dance that you must, with whip in hand, keep her cowed so that she does for you…"

As they all laughed in harmony, I thought to myself.

“I have been mauled for no seeming reason.”

I then, with sadness, unwittingly say,

"She should be as I, another sentient human being."

Then I pleaded,

"Does she not want the same as I? Can we not cone to some sort of agreement?"

Responding over the sniggering of them, another of they with a hostile war torn voice said,

"You will compromise so much… And still there will be no happiness."

The Teacher

It was several months after my 25^th birthday that I had the benefit of getting to know on a non-professional basis a psychologist who started a singles group^[5]. It was from his teachings in the mid 1970s that I solidified my philosophies on men and women relationships.

I grew to accept and still see the value of what he taught or rather reinforced in me about men and women being equal. I still very much desire to practice this concept in my relationships and wish that the women I date would feel and do the same. But, it seems that I am the only one left from that era who feels strongly about freedom that stems from equality.

The Spectrum

When I apply myself to the equation of me dating a woman, I soon find after the start of the relationship, that I became conscious of their underlying expectations of traditionally mandated gender differences. Couple that with the fact that I am a quiet person and refuse to be "assertively male," I have a difficult time. These women soon found with unfamiliarity that I tend to be closer to the center^[6] on the male-female behavior spectrum, where they were inclined to expect me to be closer to the norm, strongly and confidently male.

Even though some of them espoused Women's Liberationist theologies and paid lip service to the notion of equality, they still resisted meeting me half way on this spectrum.

Reality of Separatism

There seems to be this "dichotomy" of wanting something that may seemingly be impossible. I probably have stated it fifty times so far, but I wanted a true friendship in marriage.

I have been really quite frightened at the disparaging revelations I have personally discovered as to why there has been this alarming engendered mismatched loving hatred between me and women. It really all seems to boil down to the opinion of others that I may not be "man enough."

From all of the dating, it seems that, regardless of their appearance, heritage, outlook, beliefs, and intelligence, what I have sadly found about women is a hidden or unconscious, deliberately socialized, marked separatism^[7] between men and women. It also seems that men and women needed to be very different from their sexual counterparts and that with these differences, it is a wonder any of them could have stayed married. Then upon looking up the US NCHS^[8] statistics regarding divorce among people my age, I see that most probably did not.

Celibacy

Though there is much controversy surrounding this, my longer-term relationships were with women^[9] that I did share the much-needed intimacies^[10] with. But after several weeks or even months, it was clear to me, and her, that we were definitely intellectually, socially, or psychologically mismatched. The romance was good, but they soon grew tired of the differences and would become agitated and eventually leave or I would let them go seeking solitude from their constant complaining and belittlement.

I do and have always diligently strive to be with a woman as best as I can. I have started relationships with women with the idea of seeking a life long marriage partner. I care and love the person I am with and I do not or have never intentionally physically or verbally mistreated them much less anyone else for that matter. It was the natural attraction and the desire for intimacy that brought both of us together. But it was the differences we had that kept us from making things permanent.

Brief Encounter With A Therapist

In trying to deal with this disparity, I have sat through hours of therapy attempting to try and figure out why I needed someone. Instead of helping me seek the answer and allowing me to remove this want, the therapist said, and maybe rightfully so, that I should not attempt to do this. But, it was after four to six more weeks of therapy that they took it a step further into the wrong direction and wanted to convince me that, for me to be happy, I needed to change and live the way most see life. He or she would say in a round about way, "how can we change to accept life as it is?" I ended up coming away not with a phone number of a woman who feels the same as I, (LOL) instead, I felt short changed because the therapist prescribed various lifestyles that I was philosophically and morally opposed to, including male domination or homosexuality^[11]. It was as if my internist prescribed smoking cigarettes as a cure for a sinus condition.

Compromise, Compromise, Compromise…

For me to compromise myself and be a leader and provider of assurance and happiness for these women would have meant that I would have had to unwillingly give up the majority of who I am and live their way of life. I would not have been true to myself, much less these women or any children I would have fathered. In the end, our marriage would have been another statistic and ended up in the divorce courts. Also, since I did not ordinarily live a kind of traditional minimalist male-female socializing entertaining life style, I did not really know how to and would have appeared stupid trying to by putting on an act - as I tried to do on a number of occasions.

Out of Design, Am I Different?

The main issue I have with dating is the type of person I have chosen to and prefer to be... and is said to be different from the norm.

The fundamental issues of my personality are:

• I am an intellectual who quite literally resists being dominantly male or just being dominated.

• I literally run from personal attacks on my character by those who do not practice what they are hammering on me about.

• I am an artisan, a philosopher, and a participant in life and someone who finds spectator activities to be unfulfilling and boring.

• My philosophy is of joyous quests of discovery, understanding, creativity, making, building, shaping, sharing, and the enjoyment of these creations.

• I am not just competent in one vocation; rather I am proficient in many areas including art, woodworking, electronic contrivances, all aspects of house building, and a large number of other areas as well.

• I take great joy and pride in what I am doing and am very happy when I am involved in a project.

It may be believed that I shut out the world around me while doing what it is that I do. Yet, I see these activities as really living, as... me being alive and having a positive purpose for my existence.

I am also not an elitist and exclude others from what I am doing much less cut them out or ignore them all together. Quite the contrary; being self-taught, I desire to share my experiences with anyone who will desire for me to do so. I don’t have any fear of appearing incompetent in what I am doing and am willing to accept other's suggestions and help. I sincerely believe that creativity and composition is joy, love, and living.

So, it has been asked of me "if I am so happy with what I do, then why do I persist in attempting to be with a woman?" Contrary to popular beliefs, my doings are not enough to sustain happiness and piece of mind. I am a human that needs other humans.

Happiness^[12]

The human condition is such that, in varying degrees, we need to intimately be with another human such that each can understand the other, and can freely share with confidence in each other the much-needed touching moments as well as our life long endeavors. But unfortunately, we have a problem in this country, and that is living with each other.

Is it not the archaic separatist sexist ideologies that are promoted, embraced, and are so deeply ingrained that causes much of the hardships, rifts and hatred between men and women? Doesn't this concept of the separation of the sexes lead to the failures of modern day relationships? Do these differences and alienation not enable boredom, narcissism, infidelity, and pretentiousness? Does this inequity also not lead to the mistreatment of women such as what is known as battered woman syndrome? Is the only way for marriages to succeed is for a woman to know her place?

A Woman

I sincerely believe that women are not second-class citizens who must submit themselves to men. Women are definitely more than just legs, breasts, and hips; they are supposed to be sentient human beings of legally stated equality. They are absolutely and provably, biologically and mentally capable of the same feelings, thoughts, ideas, and abilities as are men.

But, I have come to discover several very disheartening facts about the women^[13] I associated with:

• It seems that regardless of their intellect, aspirations, and convictions, in the end, these women have unconsciously strived for variations of traditional man-woman ideologies.
  
• Though I have always attempted some form of admiration for these women, they tended to discount what I am, what I do, my passions, hopes, fears, and loves, all the while expecting some form of leadership or conformity from me. Some of them have even gone so far as to reduce my abilities and possessions down in terms of dollars and cents.
  
• A common facet of these women is that they narrowly viewed life as career, children, festive holidays, family, TV, shopping, travel, friends, and sadly… little else.
  
• Most of these women needed to be unconnectively entertained by the many various more often than not shallow, minimalist, popular, commonly or group accepted, commercial or publicly funded mediums^[14].
  
• I really never had a concept of or cared what others not close thought of me. But, it is a very sad but well known fact that these woman looked for affirmation of themselves not from their creative endeavors or their own accomplishments, rather they required conformation of their value as a person through numerous, minimally committed, acquainted associations.^[15]
  
• Finally, it seemed that these women needed to be regularly socially involved in small-talk and spent a significant amount of time talking to others about subjects of little or no substance all the while avoiding talking to me about the really deep issues that affected either or both of us.

Husbandry

I realize that, in these writings, I have been talking about women, but I know that both men and women are equally involved in this tragedy. Can one exist without the other? Men are also taught to be different.

Yes, the word hus·band means 1 : master of a house, 2 : a male partner in a marriage 3 : a manager or steward, and can mean 4 : a frugal manager, but never the less, a manager.

The wife… well, the classic definition: "a married woman."

Loyal Subjects

At this point I have to ask, can a subject freely say what is on their mind to their king, can "the people" do the same with their dictator, can a daughter freely say all to her father, can a slave do the same with his master, can a prisoner have freedom with his or her keeper, can an animal be free with its captor? So, under the traditions of husbandry, how can a wife be privileged to be what ever she wants to be with her husband?

Domineering Women

There is another class of women I did date who were rather dominating, flamboyant, and boisterous. I am a calm quiet person of inner thoughts and I want to be free to share with that person who I am. But, I am opposed to and am troubled by loudness, brazenness, and spouted dictates. So, since I am a passive person, these imperious women found my quietness to be disquieting to them and because of their female-based socialization, they tended to become dominating and abusive. I wondered why they just couldn’t be at piece with themselves. Because they were unwilling, I never really had a chance to sit down and calmly and objectively talk with them and find out.

Life Styles

I honestly don't have any problem with people wanting a lifestyle that differs from mine. It is just that; whether it was negative or positive, moral or immoral, or God like or atheistic, the women I dated naturally wanted me to take part in their way of life.

Also, I do not hold animosity towards others who have different outlets as their standards of enjoyment. This is perfectly fine, great, super… It's just that I do not wish to live a sexist commercial way of life and it is my wish to not take part in this kind of socialization.

The problem I have is that in order for me to not be too reclusive, I have to face and be social with people including my co-workers, family, friends, and the women I date, many of whom covertly and overtly insisted that I do take part in, as they insist upon calling it, "life."

And, so…it is little wonder that I have not made a nuptial agreement with any woman much less cohabitating in a marital like way. If I would have thrown caution to the wind, I know that these efforts would have ultimately, if not statistically, ended up in divorce with me loosing so much and having to start all over.

Does What I Say Make Any Sense

When most people read or hear about my accounts of dating and my search for a woman, they become incensed and start with belittlement. But you-know, they cannot change my outlook on present day men and women relationships because my views are affirmed by focusing my gaze on the set of national statistics that describes the ever increasing divorce rate of people my age. They still continue to argue with me about this statistic saying that I can beat these odds or these are merely statistics.

These people cause my non-celibate^[16] singleness to be further reinforced by the continual and vigorous chastisement for me wanting something or someone that is, as they call it, “absolutely unrealistic.” My conjugal fright is driven home by zealots spouting stuff about immorality, inflexibility, rigidity, a lack of sensitivity, selfishness, self-centeredness, no compromise, books, planets, his & hers, and caves, all the while trying to convince me to give up who I am, accept the divorcing public's perception of life and marital expectations, and to get out and have “fun.” And oh yes, I need to accompany some shy doting woman to another hideously shallow stiff LOUD boring dancing party!…

I really apologize for my outburst here. It's just that I get so … frustrated when people hear my accounts of what happened and tell me that I don't give people a chance, I am inflexible, I take advantage of or use women, my rules are too rigid, I am not understanding, or I am psychologically ill.

But I find it very disheartening when I try in vain to convince people how all of this relates to the magnitude and degree of failure of personal intimate relationships here in the US. I also find it equally disheartening that these people can overlook this very serious problem and call me wrong or sick for pointing it out. I know that it is simply the deliberately mandated traditional separatism between men and women that keep not only me, but also most others from fulfilling several powerful basic lifelong needs^[17].

Why Be Married?

There are those anti-marriage revolutionaries among us who say that I don't need to be married, that I don't need anybody, and that I don't need the love, touching, companionship of another human being. They say that I can function perfectly in life by being by myself. They go on to describe their own lives of being by themselves as perfectly fine and seeing friends occasionally. They fanatically point out there "happy" lives with no entanglements involving the opposite sex. Yet I hear in their tired voice, a certain anger, loneliness or sadness associated with having to be alone. This is further confirmed as they argue bitterly with me about my need to be with somebody.

Rules For a Good Life

I am not saying that what I have said are rules and for someone to get into and stay in my life they have to follow them. I am simply trying to say that the high divorce rate is symptomatic of the differences that these women and I have had; and that it is these women who needed affirmation of their beliefs by insisting I be like what they think I ought to be. This is where the difficulties are manifested.

I would have been OK with them and their way of life except that they are social human beings and wanted me to change and be into what they were use to. So, yes, it is when I do not follow my “rules” and attempt to compromise my values hence my life that I get into trouble. This disease of separatism seems to negatively set most women's unconscious viewpoints on relationships and has kept any of them from wanting to get together with me or has motivated them to try to change me.

So, it is with these many bad experiences that I have surmised: the current rate of divorce is because of issues of sexism and separatism, which by its vary nature, promotes closed mindedness, boredom, narcissism and the disillusionment of so many marriages.

For me to be and stay married to a woman, we have to have a number of fundamental common principles or "rules^[18]" as they are called; of which, three of them are creativity, equality, and… to not take personally what another person says.

Slighted?

I know that various people are offended by what I have to say on this subject of marriage and get the impression that I am a person with little or no caring of my fellow beings, that I have a truly unrealistic view of relationships, and that I should be more tolerant. But, they are wrong. I am really not an uncaring person. I believe that I know about the facts surrounding the high rate of divorce in these modern times. All I wish for myself and at least one other human female is happiness and fulfillment. But, I am frustrated that I cannot seem to successfully convey these ideas, much less find the right woman.

These webpages are my attempt to try and bring out this stuff and to tell people that this is real, that humans need to rise up over the primitive.

The Singles Scene

It is when I go out to places to meet women that I return very disappointed. Once in a while I meet someone seeking a man putting on their best show hoping to win me over. I then feel in the back of my mind some reservations that, by the way, later come true. I then go against my feelings and "ask them out,” only to find after several weeks or even months of dating and trying to make it work, I realize I am in near clinical depression sitting there being quiet while being besieged with criticism from this woman for not being… something she thinks I ought to be.

My God, I cannot tell you the number of times I have sat there and faced this issue of me being in the wrong. There were accusations of infidelity, coldness, haunting silences, stupidity, and every other psychological malady or immorality a human could suffer from. These women naturally had strong emotions, but they would stifle any attempts on my part to try and explain myself much less accept what I say as being the truth.

Once again, could it be because of their basis or foundation is in traditional male-female relationships and how they perceived a "man" should respond to them? Would these same women have avoided belittling me if they feared me as a normal man who would have, with a loud over bearing voice or with his fists, stopped them?

Initial Infatuation

I initially do have a gentle wonderful time with the women I dated. We can quietly sit and holed each other and I do really sincerely care. It is when these women return to their everyday lives that they realize the differences and get upset and leave me or try to change me.

Society

I cannot separate these difficulties I had with women I dated from the societal culture simply because I see my dating difficulties and the levels of divorce as a failing of the very society that I am trying to incorporate myself into. I know that sexism does play a significant role with the women I do date, 99% of them being divorced,^[19] and I cannot in good conscience burry my head in the sand and adopt a separatist "his and hers" lifestyle that I absolutely know is wrong and tragically proves itself to be that way everyday.

Foolishly I Plod Along

You-know, it stupidly seems by this, that after all of this hurt, anguish, and dismay, I am still pondering these seemingly lofty and elusive things called compatibility, touching, togetherness, sharing, and love. But, I really believe that this kind of equal, cerebral, feeling, sharing friendship is possible between a man and woman and I still do not want to give up on this notion.

Somewhere on this planet, there must be a non-narcissistic, non-vociferous, healthful, introspectively aware, politically objective, vocationally satisfied, non-workaholic woman who not only believes in, but practices equality, who is also working towards self actualization and thrives on and finds fulfillment through various passions including putting pencil to paper, notes to music, brush to canvas, clay to wheel, words to page, lead_Pb to glass, joinery to wood, philanthropy to people, or whatever else us humans do to much improve our world.

She doesn't need to be a princess, a model, or an Einstein; but just do as I do, appreciate, accept, understand, diligently do, and enjoy positive intellectual scientific and or artistic creations.

At the very least, please, I need to know that this kind of woman does exist… Or at least, somebody does understand what I have said here.

With Absolute Sincerity

E 1998

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