Close With Sex

It is far easier to feel close with sex than it is to grow close with time.

Like so many other revelations in my life, this one seems to have come well after the fact. For most of my “dating career,” I have been sexually active, meaning I have had sex with most of the women that I have been in a relationship with.

The revelation: this desire for gratification and closeness may have overshadowed my ability to find a suitable mate for marriage. By this I mean, having quickly become physically close to whom I was dating, I have affected issues of morality by allowing desires in the woman to want to permanently be with me when I really did not want to be with them. In desiring to not hurt them, I would stay with them until one of us drove the other away. This has complicated my quest with entanglements and has significantly slowed the search and elimination process. I spent time with those who were not suitable and as a consequence, I spent the better part of my adult life investing time with women I was not going to marry.

But, there is a contradictory element to this reality…and that is, the availability of compatible women is extremely small. As a result, I was devastatingly lonely, gave up, and dated people who were not marriage possibilities, simply because I needed fulfillment of the basic needs. I often look back and wished I could have been more restrained in my desires. But, when I was alone, I felt lost and very alone. I tried to convince myself that if I got close, it would remedy all of the differences between her and I. But it ultimately did not.

For many years, I sought therapy for this feeling of loneliness and inadequacy. But with great disappointment, I came away from these therapists with no solution to the problem.

On a number of occasions I've sat down and assessed with various people the wants and needs of women and have determined that there is a very large list of expectations on the part of most of the women I have dated. These are seemingly inherent desires that I cannot or, because of my principles, would not fulfill.

I was in a catch 22. I needed permanent female companionship, yet no one could fulfill that need without considerable losses on both parts.

The solution was simple. I needed to take a drug that suppresses this need for a woman and then I needed to date people with the idea in mind of finding a suitable person. Then if they were not a good match, tell them so and move on.

Right?

Sure!

I have been over this time and time again.

If someone in a relationship relinquishes who they are to hold on to another, even for a short time, they are enabling and asking for disappointment, a loss of self esteem, and ultimately, failure of the relationship.

Greg July 26, 1998