- Possibly -
I have been divorced for 6 years. In the marriage I went through
3 years of counseling by myself, before my ex-husband and I went through
together. The counselor said to us one time, that we must be careful
not to over intellectualize situations in the marriage. I guess that's
the right brain/left brain theory.
When one is intelligent, a person has a choice and it almost always
seems to be the better choice to go with the head instead of the heart!
Maybe when one is feeling trapped and unhappy, it’s easier to go with
the head.
There are so many reasons to stay in a marriage.
There are the children to consider. But unhappiness does not portray
a positive role model for them either. I had people say to me, ”Well,
he doesn't beat you, does he?" Who were these people that I thought
were my friends? Because we teach people how to treat us, this was again
my problem.
I never felt that my desires in the marriage were out of line. I always
had plenty of "stuff" and maybe it appeared that I was never happy.
He was a "good provider" and never strayed, that I know of. Does that
sound like a period comment from the past?
I wanted a "best" friend. But to be best friends, you must share a certain
level of commonality, insight, taste, interests, understanding of ones
needs, nurturing, kindness, and appreciation. You must be able to share
a acceptance of what is beauty.
So how does one get to that level of deep understanding? Is it always
TIME that is the factor? No. I can look back at my choices in men and
know why I chose the man I married.
My ex-husband was introduced to me by my father. My father was dying
of cancer and as I was his only child, I think that he wanted to make
sure I was taken care of. So telling of our generation. I would
much rather have been taken care of in kindness and understanding rather
than in financial security. My parents, however, shared a rather even
partnership.
My parents great love was music. They sang together and performed at
church. That was their love and passion, but both worked at different
jobs for money. I did not and have often asked myself why I would not
have tried to duplicate that situation.
Being an only child often times means trying to please to a fault.
As a result, I
relinquished my equality in my marriage. I really shut down for a long
period of time towards the end. I was with him for 20 years.
I continued on with my pottery business and pushed myself to such a
limit that not only did I have carpel tunnel in both wrists, but a sore
elbow too. I had to wear braces at night and prop my arms up to sleep,
as the pain was great. I was trying to throw pots with numb hands. I
was working long hours in a pottery studio and developed a cough which
turned into pleurisy. I was doing well at shows and was in several notable
art galleries in the East. But I was in bad shape.
Trying to tell myself that I could make everything work, (that "superwoman"
mentality from old days) I could totally rationalize to myself what
I was doing. I was distracting myself from my life.
Living in my head and ignoring my heart! I finally had to just stop
and let everything fall down around me. EVERYTHING! For a while, it
was a haze. Lawyers, doctors, canceling orders, thoughts of suicide,
all because I took all the responsibility for the failure.
I had to take a wall down in my studio to move the kiln out. My one
son left home and I had to move his stuff for him. My younger son stayed
but had a harder time. What kind of a mother was I?
I was a monster to disrupt this home for my needs. My ex-husband would
have stayed. I was totally numb through most of it. One night, it just
came out and I said that I couldn't do this anymore. I had wanted to
leave 10 years earlier, but stayed, as it was so devastating for him
to hear me say that I wanted to leave. I felt like such a monster. My
then little voice would scream to me to leave, but I would not listen.
I rationalized the situation and it certainly made sense for me to stay.
How could I support my family when I couldn't even feel my hands? I
couldn't teach piano OR throw pots[1].
I cut out a picture of a woman leaping. I think that it was probably
a bungee chord, but I needed to keep that visual in my head. To leap
and the net will appear!
I signed up for school and thought it would keep my head busy, while
I figured everything out. I really just wanted to die. I felt like such
a failure but I had children and I had to carry on.
My friends then, did not support my actions and withdrew from me. I
think that maybe they felt somewhat threatened, maybe not happy in their
own marriages, or maybe it was too close to what they wanted to do.
Most everyone that I knew was married. I felt truly alone.
I grieved for sometime.
What I want to say is that I made a big shift in my thinking at that
point. For the past 6 years, I have worked hard on making that shift
happen. I believe that we intuitively have the answers to everything
and that by being in contact with our inner selves and trusting our
instincts, really trusting them, we can never go wrong.
It is a matter of faith. I could say faith in God as I do believe in
God, but it could also be that the universe provides.
I have incorporated more right brain thinking and it has made me happier.
Thinkers can torture themselves and never come up with a definitive
answer, just more alternative answers. I have worked at just being.
Working at trying to see the beauty around me. Instead of the steady
voice of self-chastisement, I have come to accept myself.
I'm thinking right now, that maybe I should delete that phrase....but
no, I'll leave it. I think that I can say that, in all honesty. I have
had to force myself to let go the guilt. I have had to work very hard
at that.
Because I feel that we manifest our destiny, I sometimes have to right
down my goals to make sure that they are on a positive path. AM I happy
now? Yes, most days I am, but it is because I have made a conscious
effort to leave the past behind. I have made my peace with it and it
will torture me no more.
I haven't really talked about this before. Guess that's the beauty of
the Internet. There may actually be someone out there reading this.
Sue J – January 2004
“Throwing Pots” is an expression potters use to
describe making pottery
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