Am I Destined To Be Alone!?!

I am so ___ angry right now. Lividness is being accompanied by Sheer Frustration. It is as if I am being torn asunder by these two ghastly curmudgeons.

Yes, after consulting in a conspiratorial manor with Dysfunction, these two nasty old codgers seem to have collaborated in the formation of my misery. They came upon me with vengeance after a woman I loved pushed me away.

Because I wanted to love and be loved by her, someone with whom I believed had a kind of kindred spiritual and intellectual connection with, I became vulnerable. And when she rejected me, these two…creeps showed up.

Since this other evil entity called Dysfunction seemed to be with her causing her to have a different agenda, I was a disappointment to her and was then sequestered from being with her. I quickly found myself living by my self with these two old obnoxious cretins. Now, they are being joined by the two other evils, Loneliness and Lust.

This woman, like so many others I wanted to love, seduced me into her life, loving me and bestowing upon me many gifts and cards. Then when I posed the idea of a more permanent togetherness, she recoiled and reconsidered her love for me saying, “I want my freedom!” Then she later said, “It is outside of me that come this force I cannot fathom or reckon with.”

I have to interject here that it is not from without, rather from within us: out of the heart of human kind proceed evil thoughts hence deeds: adulteries, fornications, bigotry, murders, thefts, covetousness, wickedness, deceit, lasciviousness, greed, lewdness, envy, slander, pride, arrogance, foolishness; all these evil things come from within, and defile us. Then excuses are made as to why hurt is inevitable.

Anyway, she pulled me in only to push me away saying I was an anomalous being that would take her free spirit away and hide it or kill it.

Now I am hurt with no consolation. The elusive Love for me is lost…for the hundredth time.

After devastating me, she then said, “I wish only for your friendship, your love must go…” In the next breath is her excuse, “It is not you. Don’t feel bad, it is me.” I then said, “I cannot be only a friend and watch you be taken by another.” Then upon my leaving she cries for days after. Then when calling her, she was cold, distant and standoffish, as she says, I am perfectly fine.” Finally, she says to never call again. I swear to God, they all do this…

It is some time later when she seeks a strong hand to rescue her from her doldrums only to find the price to pay for this is her freedom…of which she willingly knowingly gives.

Though she spouted feminist theologies, I had some idea that potency is what she really wanted from me… inhuman strength. They all do. But, since this is not me and I never practiced it, I could not fake it. Now, am I to be alone?

You must understand, I quite literally took to heart the teaching of the women’s liberationists movement. For my whole life I practiced daily the belief that women were equal to me. I know no other way…

Yes, I have heard women call kind quiet men, weak milquetoast wimps and I felt their loathing, as they conveyed little put-downs. Even my “women’s liberationists” sisters did this. Then when a strong man comes along and threatens their freedoms, they call these men evil while loving them. It seems to me a never-ending battle in a woman’s mind. I know this because many have confided in me, seeing me as a pseudo brother, priest, or girlfriend, rather as a lover.

Am I a wimp because I appear to be needy? If, after the declaration of equality I show strength, I am shunned for my chauvinism. But, if they meet a man that never showed any signs of vulnerability, only strength, they fall in love with him. I know, I artificially showed strength and aloofness, and many women loved me for it. The problem was that it was an act.

Does what I say gall you? Well, from my heart I really and sincerely wish this weren’t true. I wish what I said was all crap. But the pain of my bitter experience at seeking love in my bed at night has lead me down a twisted perilous path that has taken me many years to traverse only to have it end up right back where I started from. Simply put, the word husbandry means just what it says…leader, something I am evidently not.

I have to face the fact that the depth of our culture cannot be dispelled in one sentence; a woman saying, “I want to be liberated.” It takes a lifetime of methodology and practice, like wanting to become an accomplished pianist. One cannot play if one does not practice. One cannot practice of one does not have the music to play.

Yes, my sisters will forgo love and this woman I loved will forgo her freedoms. This is; simply and succinctly, because people never learned how to play the liberationist concerto.

But, I ask, why should women really try to learn? Since men have no reason to change, women would be learning a methodology that has no purpose and like my sisters would ultimately leave them alone. It would be like someone learning to program a computer in the fifteenth century. There would be no computers to program.

So, my sisters stay without a man and this woman will be with her powerful aloof man without freedom. Then statistically, this lady will probably divorce him because under pressure, this fellow will be corrupt rather than be the father she never had. (The concept of power corrupts coupled with Daddy.)

Now you’ve guessed it. The concept of husbandry in America is the giving of fatherhood to a woman who never had it. And in our culture, many think-tank psychobabble institutions have publicly stated that nine out of every ten of us never really had the parents we felt we needed.

Freedom and equality are learned experiences. I feel that men-women relationships are never consciously learned before hand; they are modeled from the rolls of the parents. I never heard any positive words from my parents as to how to be with a woman I could love for life.

Interesting side note: It seems that marriage rolls are now modeled from a single parent prospective, that being most of the time, the woman. The young mind is mentored to disapprove of the opposite sex, because divorce is naturally mired in pain. Most are, and regardless of how hard the divorcée tries, the child knows this.

So, now Anger and Frustration have joined Loneliness and Lust, and all are sitting with me tormenting me. Do I deserve this?

Yes I know, I too have hurt others. In my fake manliness, I made excuses for the hurting of women, justifying it because I was hurt, lonely, and lustful. But in my later life, I chose to be real and endure the pain of loneliness rather than hurt. I felt that because I desired never to hurt, I would be hurt less. Instead, I find that I am hurt more.

Am I to be alone till death, never to love someone of a similar mind and expectations? Am I to atone for all my past sins? Is this the way of this earth, a weigh station of human endurance, drudgery, and despair? (It is said by Catholicism, “It is not of this earth. Work hard here and give goodness so that we can be happy with God in heaven.”)

I want to do good to and for others. I want to give of myself. But, am I to suffer as I am doing this? Am I to be lonely simply because I am not fatherly? Am I then to never marry because it has been decreed by the novelists, movie producers, pedagogic philosophers, new age revolutionists, nay-sayers, and other theorists that marriage is a short lived experience and only for a dominant male and submissive female paring?

God, if this is so, I will accept it. But, God, please, do what no psychotherapist will help me do. Lift the pain from my heart. However, if you know marriage to be goodness, then please God, let her be known to me. For better or worse, I promise, I will truly love her till death...

S March 9, 2002

Update: On March 10, 2002, I started to exchange e-mails with a woman in China who might have the potential of becoming my wife. It was her who sent me the first email on this date. I've subsequently went to her city to visit her.

October 5, 2002